My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
