True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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