Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
