I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Boobs are out for the taking
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You were trust falling into bushes
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
