I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We need a shit load of segways right now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
