I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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