I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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