Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
