Quick, to the slutcave!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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