I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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