Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
