Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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