I am puke
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
