if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
