Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
