Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
