theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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