new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
