I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
