My room smells like vodka and shame
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
