How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
