My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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