Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
