He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
