It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
