Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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