I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
