im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
