the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
