I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
