I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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