What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
