3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
