i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
