I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
