Sponge bath it is.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
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My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
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I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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