Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you had me at cake vodka
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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