the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
