if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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