turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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