tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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