Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
