I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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