i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
