So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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