The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
