I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
