I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
