i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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