In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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