i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this