I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.