When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
