I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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