Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
