you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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