Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
